2004-07-01 - 11:58 a.m.
i am the grumpiest bitch in the world right now and all i feel like doing
is going home and eating. yeah, i'm an emotional eater. i used to be an emotional smoker, but i quit. now i am fat. i wish i never stopped smoking.
and i wish i could be happy. i mean really happy all the time. i'm only happy hanging out at home with my honey. and even then i ruin it with my awful mood and bitchiness. i start too many fights and it's not right. i shouldn't do that. but i do...cause i'm an asshole.
today i am grumpy for many reasons. the weather, my car alarm is broken and keeps going off and is pissing off the neighbors and they won't fix it until tuesday, h has to work late tonight, the dog was up barking all night, drivers are pissing me off cause no one can drive correctly, work is boring and the week is taking forever to go by and i'm sure more underlying things that i just can't think of right now. i feel like Claire Fisher right now. "i'm sick of hating everything so much". that is how i feel, but i'm stuck in this rut or something.
i'm just pissed off all the time and anti social and i don't know why or what is wrong with me. i guess it's cause i feel down about how i look and my job sucks (though i hope it gets better once the new girl starts) or maybe it's cause i'm not being creative. or maybe it's cause the house is a mess and i don't feel like cleaning it again. and i'm pissed that H has to work all the time and never gets a whole weekend off with me even though her dad gets to go away all the time. and i'm sick of H sticking up for him when he's being a fucking dickhead.
and i guess i'm just sick of everything in the whole world. especially crazy rose and mr. rob at work.
i wish i could find a job working in a ceramics studio full time. playing with clay, sweeping up, helping people make stuff. it just may happen too, but i have to see.
i think there are just too many things i want to do and so i don't know where to start. i want to sculpt, do pottery, design stuff, become involved with some sort of environmental org, do stuff to make a difference ya know? i'm sick of sitting by complianing about everything and not doing much to help it. sure, i send letters and stuff to my senators and congressmen but i know they don't really give a rat's ass about them and just throw them out since i'm so "extreme" or something. who the fuck really knows?
anyway, i guess that is enough for right now. i just wish it was already 5 and i was on my way home to my sweet doggy. soon enough i guess.
blessed be~
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