2004-03-17 - 8:57 a.m.
i am totally freaking. my parents are in for a visit and for whatever reason i feel all nervous and like i'm doing something wrong. last night after we went to dinner and got back at like 8 i just wanted to go upstairs and chill with H and our friend S was at our place watching the puppy. so i told them and i think my mom was upset. i think she wanted to hang out more. but my dad said he was tired and saved us, but i dont' know if he was. so now i feel guilty cause they are only here til thursday afternoon i think. so tonight is our last chance to hang out and we are going to dinner with H's parents too. so i guess tonight i will have to hang out later than 8.
and then we didn't get to bed til like 1 or something, so it made me feel even worse. but i'm sure they must have been tired. i mean they had to be at airport
at 7:30 in the morning yesterday.
why do i have to be like this. i'm sick of it. i feel 16 again, but with more guilt about what i do cause i'm older now and know what is right/wrong.
its so stupid.
I wonder if i will ever get over this. i guess first i need to figure out why i feel like i do.
in other thoughts. today is st. patricks day. i remember one year in college we decided to take the day off and go to the big parade in nyc. (went to school in brooklyn) it was packed. i don't think i've ever seen so many people uptown, it was ridiculous. and the thing is is that the parade sucked. we didn't even really stay. just boring people walking down the street. the only reason people go is to drink in the streets during daylight hours i think.
this is very much in contrast to the Halloween Parade they have every year down in the village. that is crazy. Everyone gets dressed up in costume even just to watch the parade. they have these huge puppets every year and all sorts of people walk in it. they have some floats even. everyone drinks for that too, but it's at night and more appropriate. i remember going one year as princess leah from star wars (and this is before the new movies had come out) and everyone recognized me. i am even in some people photo albums that i don't know. everyone was like, "can i get a picture of you?". it was weird. the best thing was drinking blackberry brandy right out of the bottle in a paper bag like a bum. sometimes i really miss the city.
cold streets
leaves blown
into the gutters
of my mind
echos of car horns
reverberate through the alley
scaring cats and homeless drunks
sleeping in boxes
brandy warming their hearts
as we walk past
blindly
forgetting the world
in each others arms
Blessed Be
�
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