2003-10-27 - 1:53 p.m.
Things are getting way out of hand. I am confused. I do not know what to do, to say, how to act. I feel like i've just lost an arm or a foot or a toe. like there was something there before and now it is gone.
i am too selfish, only reacting to my feelings and not others.
and this is not an excuse, but this is how i have always been, and i don't know how to change. i feel, sometimes, like i am taking a step in the right direction, and then as quick as i get there, BOOM! 10 steps back. and then i think, where am i going? what have i done now? shit.
i did it again this weekend. i blew up and ran. then i felt shitty about it. i know that this person that i blew up at doesn't understand where i am coming from. they don't see through my eyes, they use their own. their eyes see from a different angle, a different hue.
i am worried. what does all this mean? i want things to go back to "normal", i want to be happy go lucky with that person. i want to laugh all the time, not just between blow ups. but somewhere i have lost my sensitivity, my grace. my compassion.
i just want to talk talk talk, tell tell tell. my way or no way. what has happened to me? when did they make me all powerful, omnispresent? no one did.
so my question is, when someone tells you everyday how much they hate their job, what do you say back? I have tried sorry, find a new job, tell them how you feel, talk to the boss, etc. but these just make that person more angry. the responses i get are "i can't quit, i need a certain amount of money, they don't listen, it doesn't matter" but mostly i get "I FUCKING HATE IT HERE, I SHOULD HAVE NEVER MOVED HERE". That one is the worst. that one hurts the most, although why i'm not sure. but it cuts through me like a ginsu knife. and it stings like lemon in a cut.
I just want things to go back. i want everything to be stress free and normal.
(there i go again, i want i want i want)
Blessed Be~
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