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2003-09-17 - 9:51 a.m.

I'm feeling sort of blah of late. i'm not depressed or anything, just blah. i don't feel like doing anything and i don't want to go anywhere. you know what i mean? yeah. so anyway...

I think i am at a loss for words. i can feel my brain stifiling under the pressure. pressure of sucess, failure, work, life, fun, boredom, pressure. i had a thought last night. How does everyone go to work everyday and survive? I can't seem to, this shit is awful. i do wish i liked my job, but i don't. most people don't. how do they do it? in a perfect world i would look for something in my field. something creative, something artistic. but this is not a perfect world. i don't want a job like that because i am too scared that i will wind up hating that one too, which may make me hate art in turn and that would be bad. it would be good to have a creative outlet though. i want a job working in a ceramics studio making vases and candle holders and other shit all day. i want to paint and sculpt and have access to an entire workshop. i want to go back to school. it seems like i'm the only one of most of my friends who only went for 4 years. my dad told me about this kid from high school that is going to be a lawyer. he will make 60 thousand dollars next summer for his summer job at the law firm. 60 grand! too bad i wouldn't want to be a lawyer. i want to make something, build it, paint it, grind it down, power tools, sand paper. my hands aren't cut up, they aren't sore, i am getting soft. i need to make something. i have no where to do it. i am worried that if i want to do something creative H may not want me to. she thinks there isn't enough time for hanging out now, what if i decided to spend time after work making something, i don't think she would like it. (H - i know you would tell me it's okay, that i can make something, but i know you, you don't really want me to go anywhere or do anything after work unless i absolutely have to) (I love spending time together, don't get me wrong, but i also think the nigth would last a lot longer if we turned the stupid tv off.)

okay, enough ranting. i don't know what i'm talking about. i just feel stale, stuck in a rut that i don't want to be in. i wish i didn't have to work. i also realized i don't want julie's job if it's offered to me. i mean, i wouldn't mind a raise, and i wouldn't mind the work, but seeing what she goes through with mr. rob, i just don't think i would want that much stress or pressure on me. he is such a dick, i know he would make me cry all the time, and i don't want that. i think i need to find a better job. i wish there was more out there. i wish it was a better economy. sigh. whatever.

i'm probably depressing everyone, so i'm going.

hope you all are doing better than i.

blessed be

Please let me know if you like this layout...i don't know if i do.

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