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2003-07-23 - 9:16 a.m.

sometimes i really wish i could "run away". I mean, don't get me wrong, i love my wife, i love my animals, i love spending time with them all at home, but sometimes, i just feel like i need to get away from everyone and everything for a little while. unfortunately, this really never happens and i guess i have to get used to it. but that is why i need a fucking studio! I need to create and get some of this angry upset cranky energy out of me for once. either that, or i need to go somewhere. or something.

i got into a fight with my wife this morning. it was my fault. i just pick when i shouldn't all the time and even though i know when i am doing it, i just can't stop. sigh. i don't know what to do. i feel like i am a horrible wife, like i'm just no good at it or something. i feel horrible that i get annoyed so easily and that i am constantly telling her how to feel and all that shit. i just hate to see her stupid parents walk all over her, and she never seems to stick up for herself. it just bothers me. i love her so much, i don't want to see them do that to her, but i guess i'm just making it worse for her. she does need me to be able to listen to her. and i want to. i just have this problem that no matter how much i tell her, nothing changes. my problem is that she talks WAY TOO MUCH about Politics. I understand that shit is fucked up right now. I understand that it totally sucks to be us with all of the "decisions" the Bush Administration has been making, but I don't want to hear about all this shit. For me, it just makes me depressed. something i finally got "over" and really don't want to slip back into. so when i hear about all the politics, it just makes me feel like crying and then i get angry about the fact that i don't want to hear it.

And therefore tell her to stop talking about it, which she can't (it's just her nature) and then i stop listening, which just pisses her off more, and then we fight. ARGH! The thing is that she doesn't just talk about it, i can handle talking in a normal volume, but she SHOUTS AND SCREAMS and YELLS at the top of her lungs about the UNJUSTICE and all, then she gets all upset about it, like someone is at her door, ready to cart her off to jail. i like to talk about it, i have no problem talking to other people about politics, but i can't talk to her about them, she just (in my own opinion - which doesn't count for much) goes overboard. and this is where i get into trouble. I tell her to "calm down" and "don't get so upset, it's only ______" but this is when she says, "I'm allowed to have feelings too" "Aren't I allowed to feel ANYTHING?"

see what is happening here?

sigh. well, i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't know how to act or be or anything. i just don't want to lose her because of this, and i feel like i am.

I just love her so much, i hate to see her so upset and so i try to butt in and then i get myself into trouble. i just don't want to lose her. i can't. she is my world, with out her i don't know where i'd be now. or if i'd be at all.

so whatever. i'm screwed. i'll try better next time. i'll try to keep my opinions to myself.

what happened to me, people used to say that i was a good listener.

i guess i am going to lose everything i once was good at.

i'm such a loser.

blessed be~

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