2003-08-27 - 9:44 a.m.
Man, I don't know what is happening with me recently, but i am so fucking tired. everyday i am tired, like i could just go home, go to sleep, and not wake up for the whole night. Why is this happening to me? What did i do to deserve being so tired? I don't go to sleep too late even, at least i don't think i do. Is 11:30 too late?
Why is it that almost everyone i am around all day talk so fucking loud? 2 people here at work shout everytime they talk, one is the crazy lady, the other julie. Then when i go out with my wife's family, they all shout to be heard over each other cause they all talk at once. I feel like i always have a headache. I must be sensitive to noise or something, yet at the same time, I feel like i can't always hear well. I don't like background noise when people are talking to me because it is distracting. Maybe i have ADD, and can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time.
I am still having all the same problems i have been. I guess i am just not a good leaner, or listener. I don't listen enough to what H tells me, and then she's always got to tell me things like 3 times, and even then i don't always absorbe what is said. She will tell me about plans and i just won't know about them till that day when i'm like, "What?!" and she says, "I told you last week 3 times that we were going out." How can I fix this? I guess I have to try harder. I will have to mute the tv and repeat what is said to me or something.
maybe i'm just burnt. i don't feel like it, but maybe i don't know how i feel anymore. maybe that is really the problem.
or maybe i'm making up these problems, making up the small squabbles at home cause i'm bored, and if we are fighting, then i'm not bored and i'm feeling some emotions. i'm not flat feeling when we are arguing over stupid stuff like who is making dinner and who is doing what chore and why. But the thing is that i really hate fighting. I don't want to upset my wife, i know when i am pushing her perverbial buttons, but i push anyway. There is a line in a song that always reminds me of well, me "i'm pushing when i should be carrying, and i don't understand anything i've learned" That is me, perfectly.
When i was younger, i used to cry a lot. a lot a lot. I've always marked it off as adolescent depression, which turned into adult depression in college, but now, i don't know. Maybe it's because i don't want that label, maybe it is because it is true. I think i am empathetic. in a pyschic sense.
I think i take on others feelings for my own and that is why it was so bad to be living in the middle of Bedford-Styvesant in Brooklyn for four years. It was so depressing. Everyone i saw was poor, well, most people, and the ones who weren't, weren't nice or anything. The city in itself is too gray, and although i really miss it for a lot of reasons, i really don't miss it for a lot too. I don't miss living there, that is for sure. If i move back to that area, i would never live in the city again. too many people in too small a space. too much hurt, anger, frustration. These are the things i pick up. i have to learn when i am feeling this way, empathetically i mean. i need to learn the difference from that, and real emotions. (not that those aren't real, it's just not what i am feeling, or should be feeling.)
Godess, this isn't making any sense. sorry for wasting all your time. i have to figure this out, but now doesn't seems to be the time...
sigh.
Blessed Be~
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