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2005-06-13 - 9:35 a.m.

i feel tired. not the regular kind of tired, but deep down in my soul tired. i'm sick of everything, everyone, myself even. i just want to go home and stay there in my safe haven away from all the greedies away from all the lies. i wish i was home right now with her. laying next to me.

i just feel wasted. not drunk or drugged, but just tired. tired of life how it is. get up, go to work, go home, struggle with dinner, watch tv go to sleep, start over.

the only saving grace is the weekend, and even that hasn't been great. spend money, spend more money....you know how it is.

how i long to be in the woods somewhere. alone. just to think, to hear, to reflect, to figure it out. what am i doing? what did i mean by that. i don't even know what i'm about anymore. i feel stuck and lathargic.

i want to be in the middle of nyc right now, no one knows me, i'm alone, but in company. i can be myself, i can be you, you can be me, no one knows me there. not anymore. lost familiar faces somewhere in those streets. they wander as i do.

do you think this is true? dirty rat lined sewers call my name, down down down. peaceful quiet scurries next to me. it sits down and wants me to hold it to let it be used, but i am deaf and blind to all that is not mine.

the cold streets call to me to hide within their protective sheild. to hold me close.

i am drowning in a puddle of my own life.

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