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2005-03-01 - 9:16 a.m.

it's my birthday in two days. i'm starting to feel the sudden onset paranoia and depression. coupled with pms, this birthday will not be the best ever, i know already. canceling dinner tonight cause i don't wanna go. i'm done with birthdays. now i'm gonna be 27, doesn't seem so bad, but it is. i'm getting too old to pull off any of that cute kid shit anymore and i'm supposed to be responsible and now i'm thinking of the future and how to save money.

the other thing is that i feel like i'm not doing the things i need to. i have been sitting here lazy in life for too long. skating by as best i can. waiting on something to kick me in the ass and get me started.

i finally made a piece of pottery the other day. that made me so happy. filled me with a joy i haven't felt in over 5 years. it was too long.

i know some of my friends bought me a present. but i'm not feeling festive. i'm feeling like i want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep till this whole birthday deal has come and gone. i don't want to go to dinner on my birthday, i don't want people singing to me and making me feel embarassed. i just want to stay home and get totally shit faced and forget it is my birthday.

oh why can't it be that way? why do we have to celebrate. it's not like it really means anything, just that i haven't offed myself for another year.

woop de do da.

blessed be~

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