2004-07-22 - 2:45 p.m.
blah blah blah. blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah-blah...
ya know?
i'm feeling sort of disconnected today. not in a "Oh fuck the internet is down" way, more in a "i'm tired and out of it and therefore in my head rather than at work" way. i want to close the door to my office, find a way to get music in here, get a fan for the heat and just chill. smoking a bit would be nice too...oh to dream.
this morning's commute was full of me being pissed that i was too late to stop for my beloved Dunkin Donuts Caramel Swirl Iced Latte. fucker ducker. i really want one of those. oh well maybe i'll get one on my way home. i was also remembering all the stuff i used to do in brooklyn. and things i have done in general around Morristown and NYC and Brooklyn. i guess it was the way the light was coming in my windows.
walking down cold concrete streets, leaves crunching underfoot, smell of coffee, food, leaves, urine fill my nostrils. gray skies threaten rain or maybe snow. clouds permanently hanging there like that picture at my grandma's house.
percolater, oven, tuna fish, fake teeth. this is my grandma. this was her life. now confined to bed, confused and bewildered. so upsetting. so sad. deteriorated beyond life itself. preserved like jam or canned ham you open and say "is this still good?". Well, is it? tears stream down my face, why does it have to be this way? why did i come here to see this ghost of someone i once knew? lonely, so lonely, the faces of those who are here. ghostly images, slight murmurs. is it real? is it a dream? where are you grandma? where did you go?
silence would be welcome i think. silence. is welcome.
Blessed Be~
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