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2004-02-10 - 1:25 p.m.

i am totally freakin out. or something close to it. i'm not all panic attacky but i feel closer to it than i have in a long time. i hate it here i hate my job and all of this is really fucking with my home life. i have made so many mistakes and now i am stuck. or we are rather. i mean, too many animals makes it impossible to find somewhere to rent if we move. Too many credit cards means no savings to move. crappy jobs mean no way to save money to move. stupid degrees mean we have no way to get a job when we move. but the worst part of the whole thing is that I TOTALLY HATE IT HERE AND WANT TO FUCKING GET OUT OF HERE AND NEVER LOOK BACK, but i can't. i am stuck. we are stuck. i need a fucking miracle or to win the lottery or something good to fucking happen. i am tempted to go home and "release" all the fucking animals, but i know that won't really matter.

there are so many mistakes that we made. so many things i am kicking myself in the ass for now. like moving here to begin with. like believing what H's parents told us to get us here (all lies)

and what else pisses me off is that H's brother moved from here, to oregon. they can't afford where they are living so H's parents are paying it. Now, if that were us, we'd be shit out of luck. That boy can do anything he wants and they still pay for everything without questions. it really fucking pisses me off.

and then there is my asshole boss who seems to be getting worse by the fucking minute. He yelled at me this morning because I didn't RECIEVE a fucking email. hello, does this make any sense at all? no. it doesn't. i almost walked out. i am so ready to quit this hellhole but asshole Bush has set it up so i am stuck here in a shitty job with no jobs out there to get while he is sitting there gettting rich off the oil in the Gulf. And, instead of lowering the prices of gas, they're gonna keep them the same, even though they have enought oil to drop the prices. Yeah, okay ASSHOLE, you keep getting rich but when you're in Hell, that money ain't gonna do jack shit for your ass...fucker.

sigh. okay. i gotta go, but that doesn't mean that i feel better, just that my shitty 1/2 hour lunch is over.

Hope you all are doing better than i am.

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