2004-01-22 - 1:59 p.m.
well, thankfully it is 2 pm on Thursday and the day is almost through, sort of. i can't even explain the past two weeks. it feels like everyday something goes wrong, bad, or i screw up. today is just another in a long line of these stupid days.
today I fucked up with my beautiful loving wife...as usual. i mean, i really do this all the time, and yet never learn my lesson. when will i learn? when i drive her away from me? when she's walking out the door saying "fuck you". no, i probably won't even learn then, i'm such a dumb ass.
i have to learn to stop flapping my lips and be supportive for once. i never quite learned this supportive thing. my parents were supportive in a way that is different from others. they would be supportive by telling me what to do, and that is what i keep doing to my lovely wife. i'm such an asshole sometimes i really wonder if this is me. instead of saying something like "i know honey, i'm sorry they are acting like that. i appreciate you, and that is what matters, not what they think" i say something like "well, maybe if you worked harder and did this and that they would treat you better". i see the difference, and i know it doesn't feel good to be told what to do, but i just can't help it. i start talking and i dig myself into a major hole (ass you say?) and then can't claw my way out.
please, does anyone have any "behavior modification" tips for me. like, step one, take a deep breath and think of the ocean, step two: say I love you, step three: fight over
or something like that.
okay, that is all, i just wanted to tell you all that i am still a dumbass, and i need your help.
blessed be
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