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2003-11-13 - 8:54 a.m. the copier is out of toner and is currently making the most annoying whirling cranking noise. FUCKING STOP IT MUTHA FUCKA! damn....I was thinking of a good ole entry...ahhhhh it stopped. okay...now for the real entry. I miss Brooklyn. I miss NY, I miss having friends. But mostly i miss the way i was in NY. I have morphed into this other person. Fat, mean, bitchy, everything i never was or wanted to be. I know all this, yet i can't seem to help myself out of it. I need someone to do it with me, but H doesn't seem to want to start really. We both keep talking about it, but we don't change. I want to be me again, I don't like me like this. I used to be hot, all our friends wanted to be with us...hint hint. and now, I don't even have any friends to talk to about how i feel. I don't have anyone to call and chat with. Everyone is so far removed from my life, including me to some extent that I don't know who i am anymore. I am going through the motions, but i have nothing but poor emotions about my life right now. I am depressed and angry and all i do is start fights with H. And that makes me even more upset because I don't want to do it, but it just happens. (sort of like on That 70's Show last night when Eric said, "I ruined it, I knew i was ruining it when I was talking to her, but i just kept ruining it anyway" or whatever he said. That is how i feel I am ruining it. Everything. And i can't seem to stop myself. And she is right about getting rid of some of the animals cause if we are gonna move, it will be too hard with everyone we have...but at the same time, i love them all and don't want to give them away...i just don't know what to do. I mean, it sure would be nice to be able to go away for the weekend and not have to worry about who can take care of the babies...and the chinchillas are like a baby factory...so what to do about that, i don't know. i am getting a headache. i gotta go...i'm thinking too much and this is what really gets me into trouble. Blessed Be~ �
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