2003-10-03 - 12:28 p.m.
sigh. well, at least its 12:30 and we cancelled our plans this evening. My throat is hurting and i'm tired. maybe i am gettin sick, is what H suggested. my boss, mr. rob, has mono - geez, i hope i don't get it. i'm not planning on kissing him or anything, but what if he spits in my eye or something? plus he has some sort of fungal infection on his arms, eeeewwww, from takin antibiotics. i hope he stays the fuck away from me. at least he went for lunch. miguel left for the dr cause his allergies are driving him nutz, rose went somewhere - i heard her say "be back in ten minutes" and leave....she seems to be doing that a lot lately. too bad i can't just say, "okay - be back in two hours" and leave....
if you read my last entry you may be curious as to why my night was so "strange". it wasn't strange really, unless you mean inside my head, which is what i meant. here is the quick synapsis:
went home, feeling bad. (as usual these days) i sat on the couch and all these emotions and thoughts were running around in my brain. pretty much driving me insane. i cried a little, and i wanted to keep crying and crying and crying, but i stayed "strong". but i don't know why i feel the need to stop myself. i guess it's because i don't want to talk about it. when i talk about it i get upset - really upset. when i think about it i get upset. but for all these feelings i have, i don't have an explanation for them. i just think in my brain "i don't deserve to be happy" "i'm so ugly and fat no one cares about me" "no one loves me" "i hate this, why do i have to feel like this" "i wish i could just stay in bed forever" And i see H getting worried about me, and she says stuff like, are you okay? you look like you are going to cry. and i just choke down the tears and say i am fine. i force out a smile and in my shakey voice ask her about dinner or something to get my mind off it. I turn up the radio to drown out my brain. my thoughts which are trying to kill me start to fade into the background. I find that i do not allow myself to feel much of anything lately. i'm like a drone, walking talking, but there isn't anything inside but jumbles of wires and mechanisms. nothing inside.
H says i should talk to someone, a counselor. sigh. i don't want to. i don't know what to say. how do i tell a complete stranger i feel hopeless? helpless.
how can i feel like this when i do have someone who cares so much for me. i want to talk to her about it, but i don't want to scare her. i know i will just start crying and not be able to say anything really. she will not understand. i will not understand. i don't understand.
that is what i meant...by my strange night.
have a good weekend.
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