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2003-10-02 - 9:21 a.m.

i have been feeling sort of like a ghost of myself for the past week or so. it is strange, and i know that H has noticed. Last night she even said something like "you are going to leave me for someone you don't hate" or something to that effect. That made me feel really bad. I don't hate her, i never could. she is the only thing i've got going for me in this life, why would i want to fuck it up? and yet, i think that is what i am doing, fucking it up. I am as consistent as the sun rise in my proceedings, yet unequivocally different. Instead of light and warmth I seem to rise with coldness and irritability. I don't listen and when i do i still don't. i can't concentrate, i can't sleep, i just feel horrible.

i really want to talk to someone, but i don't really have anyone to talk to. i have abandoned all friendships. like you would abandon a sinking ship. i jumped into the cold dark waters of despair. i don't have anyone to talk to. i don't want to talk to H about it. It isn't that i don't want to, but i don't want to worry her. she has enough going on in her life, she doesn't need to hear me crying cause "i don't feel good". and i don't want to go on medicine or anything. and she will say it's my period, and it might be, or maybe not.

my friend, yes, pretty much the only one, A, is too far removed at this point, i can't talk to her. she judges me anyway and that is not good.

i just feel empty. no energy, no ambition, no feelings except those of depression, anger and despair. like i said, a ghost of myself.

the someone i once was and no longer wish to be.

and with all of this i am really getting fed up with the people i work with. it seems no matter where i go someone is there trying to tell me a story about their life, or why they are sick, or going to the mall and "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" is all i really feel like saying to them.

i just want to go home, get into bed and go to sleep. but it would be pointless because today they are working on the A/C and it will be hot in there. i hope my little chinchillas are okay...

blessed be~

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