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2003-05-14 - 10:33 a.m. goddess, i hate when i can't write right away, now i've practically lost my train of thought. now where was i? I don't know, but i'm sure i'll think of something to say. otherwise i'll just keep filling this page iwth nonsensical blabbing until something seems to jump out. well, i missed work yesterday, which is good cause i think i needed a day off. Not that i really can afford to take a day, but whatever. it's done, and now all my sick days are used up, so that'll be it for a while. Why is work so fucking boring? i hate just sitting here waiting for the fuckin phone to ring. And ya know how that goes, the minute you start doing something you actually have to or want to do, the phone rings off the hook. Like when i call my wife, all morning the phone is silent, then i call her and bam. the phone starts ringing. c'est la vie. i know this is pretty boring, but there is nothing really happening right now. i guess i could fill a page with how fucking horrible i have been feeling about myself. i want to change how i am now, but i don't know how to do that. i feel like i've been such a bitch to my beautiful wife. I keep yelling at her for no real reason and all of a sudden i've been really fucking uptight and controlling. i don't know what is happening to me. i guess i could blame it on stress or something. but i don't know if that is really true. i freaked out the other night because of everything. maybe it was my period talking or maybe it wasn't. I am just so dissapointed in myself lately. i am dissapointed in the way I look, in my stupid ass job, in the way i can't seem to find enough energy to do anything but sit on my ass and watch mindless tv. i guess i just thought i would be in a different "place" in my life now. I want to go away and just hide from life. i want to spend all day everyday with my wonderful wife and that is all. maybe there is something wrong with me. or maybe there is something wrong with the world. butterflies in my hair settling down for food sitting at a tea party eating something good singing praise to the land of hair and sunlit rain speaking to my inner thoughts hidden in my brain �
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